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Thursday, February 23, 2006 

Melancholy and the infinite sadness

Tomorrow will mark the first anniversary of my Grandfather's passing.

It's hard to comprehend that so many days have gone by since I last heard his voice calling me. He'd say, "Missy! Are you givin' 'em Hell? Don't let em get you down, Tiger!" He always told me I had more going for me in my little finger than most people had in their whole lives. What can you say to a biased Grandparent?

It's been a tough year for all of us, especially my Mom and her two sisters. I know sometimes when the phone rings, she hopes to hear either his voice or my Grandmother's on the other end.

Both of my Grandmothers passed away three and a half years ago. My Dad's Mother in late summer and my Mom's Mother in late November.

I never really knew my Dad's Father. He was always kind of a family mystery to me until a few years ago. My Dad never really talked about him much, but as he gets older he starts retelling past experiences and memories, which I appreciate.

I love thinking about my Grandparents. The memories I have of them comfort me...particular things each of them would say, like my Grandma M calling me "Sugarplum" or Grandma N loving to indulge in crushed saltine crackers and milk. Somtimes these memories leave me smiling and other times, well...they leave my eyes red and puffy from welled-up tears flowing down my cheeks because I know all I have of them now are memories.

Loss is an overwhelming feeling to deal with. I don't care how stabile your emotions are, loss is heartbreaking. I really hope family members, pets and friends who have left this Earth have gone on to somewhere wonderful. I don't know that I care to label that place specifically, but imagining them happy and healthy is much easier to handle than thinking that their spirits ended with their last breaths. When I cry, it's because I'm feeling selfish that they aren't here for me anymore.

And I miss them more than I have tears to shed.

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
- Kahlil Gibran

i feel for you on losing a loved one. my grandmother died in may of last year and i miss her terribly every day. i really missed her homemade fried chicken last night for my birthday. she always made me feel safe.

hopefully, it'll get easier for the both of us. i'm sorry!

Hey, MShell,

I'm thinking of you, girl. Wonderful to read your loving memories of your grandparents, one of the beautiful advantages of remaining close with your family.

I can't say that I've had the same experience, and it's taken me years to come to terms with my many disregarded attempts to have meaningful relationships with my grandparents-- it just didn't seem to be in them to share their ideas, memories, feelings with me (or any of us).

I loved hearing your grandparents' voices in your writing. Keeping their memory alive, like you are here, is one thing that ensures that their spirits are alive and well, smiling upon you and yours.

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