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Friday, June 09, 2006 

Gotta launder my karma

Wow, I have been MIA for a while. You probably thought that whole cow scenario did me in, didn'tcha! A bovine was indeed found in enough time to save the day and with the exception of wet weather, the event was a success.

Since I last posted, that extra work that I spoke woefully of and had convinced myself would be my undoing turned out to be not as taxing and free-time murdering as I thought. Not yet anyway, and the entire process of hiring an assistant practically happened overnight and the person who was hired is precisely the kind of person I had hoped to find. Yeah, so that's all been good.

In personal news, I've been dealing with some behind-the-scenes stuff that I really worried over but it too has also turned out to be not as bad as I thought. One situation in particular has been almost a blessing in disguise, and though I choose not to divulge the particulars, I know everything is gonna be alright.

STILTS is out of seventh grade and is gonna be big MAN on campus now boyeee. He pulled up a particularly dismal math grade was proud of his accomplishment, as was I and his dad. My only concern is: WHATTHEHELLIMGOINGTODOWITHHIMFORTHENEXTSEVENTYONEDAYSUNTIL

Oh yeah, something else to report. I also turned another year older while I was away. The event played itself out in such a cute, comical way too, I just have to share it with you. You don't mind do you? Good!

Since mid-May I have been having thoughts like, "Oh my birthday shouldn't be so bad even though it falls on a Monday and I'll probably have to work but....my friends will keep my spirits up and tell me funny was to cope with growing older and send me loving, funny cards, and it'll be fine.

It'll be fine.

My boss told me the Friday before that he wouldn't be here that day because he was taking his pregnant wife to the beach that whole weekend. AND, my assistant had asked for the day off weeks in advance so she could volunteer at a charity golf tournament.

So the day arrives and I wake to a homemade banner strung across the dining room doorway, which was hung in place after I had gone to bed. Sweet! Yay, my family loves me. I get dressed and go to work in an uneventful fashion and discover that my boss IS working despite what he had told me a few days earlier. It seems his wife is feeling lousy so the trip was cancelled. And that was the basis of our routine morning conversation before he disappeared back to his office.

Fast forward an hour or two and I get a surprise visit from a semi-relation who drops off a card and gift, and right after that flowers are delivered from my sweet and why-did-you-have-to-retire-come-back-we-need-you old boss and his wife. Two other people who work in the building have gone in together on a birthday card and present it to me with their best wishes and hey, things aren't so bad, right!?

Having heard the commotion, my boss comes down stairs and says IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, "Who got the presents and flowers? Are they for me?"

I raised my eyebrows and smiled sweetly at him (still stupidly harboring the thought that he DOES know what the day is and is just playing dumb so he can give me a card when everyone else does) and said, "No, they're for me...for my birthday."

Instantly his face turns to that funny ass look of dumbfoundedness before he utters the following, "So why are you working?"

I think I winced at him. I know my face contorted and I must've looked like I just stepped barefooted in cat furball throwup or like I just got a whiff of tar or eau d' skunk or farts out of Piper when she eats crap that STILTS sneaks to her.

And unfortunately, before I had the chance to remind him that he was supposed to be enjoying this time at the coast with sand between his toes with his pregnant wife, he heads back upstairs and calls down the bannister, "Oops, your present will be belated!"

Whatever. What. ever. I'm just gonna laugh. I'm just gonna breathe and laugh.

Lunchtime rolls around and I've checked my email and cellphone voicemail and answering machine at home. Hmmm, nothing much except for a bunch of spam and a couple of pre-recorded calls at home urging me to vote for such and such candidate in the primary elections tomorrow. Good thing I brought a bag of lettuce to work and ooooooh, I think there's still some reduced fat Triscuits under my desk! Wheeeeeee! Such a treat.

During lunch, I start a mental checklist. Have I forgotten anyone's birthday? No, I can say I have not dropped that ball in awhile. I mean, SURE, I've pansied out sort of by sending some Hallmarked e-cards, but they're nice to get and MANY times I send a real paper card and/or gift, but I have not Alzheimered away any of my friend's birthdays in a long time. I want them to know that I love them and that I am happy they are here on this planet by GOD.

By the time I leave for the day, I've found out that dinner plans have been scrapped because half of the people interested in eating away my goddamned celebration aren't feeling very good. Which is fine because I can remember a very recent time people who weren't feeling good forced themselves to go to dinner on a special occasion. It was an extremely uncomfortable situation and I wasn't even one of the people in pain!!

I call STILTS and ask him what he wants for dinner and he asks if I'll get him a Subway sandwich, and being the loving mother I am, I go and wait in line on a Monday night, in my neighborhood Subway, for 25 minutes because it seems EVERYONE else in the vicinity has decided that they want fresh delicious sandwiches tonight too. Any OTHER night, it would have been empty...empty I tell ya because I have been there on any OTHER night and it has been empty. EMPTY I tell ya!

Fine. Laugh. Breathe. Pull over and have a short cry in front of Walgreen's.

Then I remind myself that maybe there will be mailed cards waiting for me at home. Yeah, maybe people who love me actually took the time to shop for pretty colored paper and write amusing anecdotes for my pleasure on this one special day out of the whole friggin year that's supposed to be mine.

I get there and deliver the sandwich and go look for the mail...hmmm.

"STILTS, where's the mail?"

"I put it where you told me to always put it."

"Oh, is that all there was, cause I only found the bill for my gas card and that high school reunion reminder crap."

"That's what you got Mom."

My grandpa, BLESS HIS SOUL, loved to tell me tales about his youth or the horrors of being a Marine in Iwo Jima, tales about being a sodajerk, working for the railroad and then as a cop and then a detective and how he always paid cash for anything and never fell into the credit trap. Tales that I ended up hearing from him over and over and over. Tales that if I didn't think he'd beat the crap out of me in a loving way because I was showing off which was something only HE could do goddammit, I could tell him because I knew them so well. And after 2 or more hours of listening to these tales he would say, "And to cut a long story short, I'll leave you with that."

And to cut my story short, only 1 out of 6 friends (people classified as non-work-related, non-relation and non-semi-relation) remembered my birthday.

I'm thinking I should really count myself blessed and fortunate because I DID receive lovely wishes telling me how much I'm thought of from my ex-boss, co-workers, a few semi-relations, my painful parents, Piper, Woogey, Nosey, Dizzy, STILTS and STILTS' dad.

And while the day wasn't completely a Samantha Baker, I'm just trying not to wince.